14 March 2008

The View From Over Here

Just about all of you reading this have read (or even come here from just reading) this post by Jen.

I am the man she fell in love with online. Just as she is the woman with whom I fell in love. As Jen says in her post, "even if neither of them has the remotest intention of entering into a deep and meaningful relationship...". And neither of us did have any such intention.

I will not speak for Jen, but for my part, when I met Jen (and pidomon) in person back in December, I had no intentions whatsoever beyond meeting a couple of people that I had gotten to know and like online. I have been alone for nearly a decade - by choice - and had grown to believe that I was happy being alone, to the point where I had consciously avoided emotional attachments.

As Jen and I began talking more and more, I realized, slowly at first, that feelings and emotions that had long lay dormant were resurfacing. At first, I put those feelings aside because, well, because of Jen's marital status. Eventually though, she and I realized together that there was a strong, and growing, attraction between us.

As Jen said, this was both marvelous and devastating. On the one hand, we were both feeling love, which is by definition a wonderful thing. On the other hand, the growing love we were feeling was not something we could really act upon, again, because of her marriage.

We talked about this, at great length - as, indeed, we have talked about a lot of things, at very great length. We have exchanged thousands and thousands of words over the past few months. An amazing number of words.

At any rate, events have led Jen to take the steps that she is now taking, but, as she said, it's not about me. It's about her doing what is right for her, and making her life the best it can be.

Do I hope, once she has effected her separation and had some time to settle into her new reality, that she and I will explore our potential to be together? Yes, I do - very much so. Do I know this will happen? Of course I do not. Jen and I have talked about this as well. We cannot know what the future holds, and (once again) as she said in her post, if this relationship is "the real thing," then it will still be there in the future.

Personally, I believe it is "the real thing", and we shall see what we shall see. But I do know one thing. No matter what the future brings, I have already helped Jen take a step towards a better future for her, and I am glad for that. I also know that I will be a better person for this experience, come what may. Life has a way of doing that, doesn't it? With the teaching. We just need to be wise enough to listen to the messages.

And I am honored to know - and love - such a brave, strong, and beautiful woman.

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