16 July 2007

Running for President: Part II

First, if you haven't yet, read Part I.

In Part I, for those who don't want to click on the link above, I spoke briefly about the Repellican and Demitasse candidates. What I would like to discuss in this installment is the burgeoning online candidacies of various and sundry. Wikepedia has a rundown of the declared Libertarian, Constitution, Green, multi, Independent, and Prohibition (?) Party candidates. I won't bother to go into those in detail - mainly because I don't know jack shit about any of them.

No, I wish to make you all aware of the growing group of frustrated individuals who are declaring their desire to sit in the custom made comfy chair in the Oval Office come January 2009.

First (as near as I can tell) there was Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein. Then came Dr. Zaius, Sleestak and Dr. Smith.

Now, as I said in Part I of this series, I think it’s a good thing that so many have expressed a desire to be President. I have no objection to the candidacies of the above named worthies. And, were they using this opportunity to discuss the topics germane to the day, I would be more than happy to give each of them serious consideration.

However, look what they are using this platform to do!

Typical primate behavior! Even Sleestak, who is reptilian, has given in to this despicable continuation of politics as usual here in the United States of ‘Murrika! Can no one stop this madness!?!?

These "candidates" are oh, so proud, of their intrigues and photoshop skills, and they expound - at great length - upon the evils of their opponents. This cannot stand! We must end the bipedal overlordship in this country!

These erstwhile worthies are merely perpetuating the primacy of bipedal perambulators - the so called sentient beings. It is time for the truly oppressed denizens of this nation to have a voice and a champion.

With all this in mind, it is with great humility that I, Phydeaux, do hereby announce my candidacy for the Presidency of the United States of America. I have already formed an exploratory committee, composed of my peers, and they have found three bones, two old shoes, and a candy wrapper.

I feel that these results are a clear mandate from the masses, a real clap of lightning, a true barometer of the will of the people - and evidence that you should never have an exploratory committee made up entirely of hounds. I shall, over the next few days, be explaining, in excruciating detail, the planks of my platform.

Unlike these other squabbling sentients, I have picked my running mate for the 2008 Presidential Election before announcing my candidacy. In a blatant effort to erase any species gap, and acceding to the established precedent of the Current Occupant, I hereby name Ms Phee Lign as my co-candidate. This move is guaranteed to get me the votes of all you hard-working cats out there.

Phee brings with her a long history of oratory to rival the biggest blowhards in Congress. I'm sure you've heard her at some time, expounding in an alleyway late at night. As we are still formulating her beliefs, it will have to wait until next time for you to hear directly from her. I can tell you at this time, however, that we are both in favor of food, clothing and shelter for everyone, regardless of their tax bracket.

Once elected, Phee will provide an invaluable ally in the Congressional cat-fights sure to ensue when we implement our sweeping socioeconomic changes. More on that in the future. For now, keep in mind our campaign slogan: "Choice 2008 -- Phee/Phy or Ho/Hum?" I smell the blood already...

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