This post comes to you from my mobile campaign HQ, a 1972 Volkswagen Microbus. I have piggybacked onto a wi-fi network in order to ensure that this message, unaltered, makes it on to my blog. For security concerns, I cannot reveal my exact location.
The last week has been difficult, to say the least. I haven't slept in an actual bed, and my entire staff has been surviving on convenience store hot dogs and by dumpster diving. Why is this, you may well ask?
The truth of the matter is this: my erstwhile opponents have apparently teamed together to try and take me out. Unable to effectively provide responses to my platform, they have decided instead to attempt to remove me from the debate.
It all started last Friday. Phee and I were speaking at an ASPCA rally, entrancing thousands of young voters, when suddenly a band of EVIL LESBOTS showed up and started threatening everyone with their pink Glocks! It was a horrible situation. My aides barely managed to get me to safety. But did you see any of this on the news? No, what you saw was some media genuflecting about the Current Occupant's upcoming “colonoscopy“.
Coincidently, Dr. Zaius published this picture of me:
taken at summer camp, when I was a young pup, and in an "experimental" phase of my life. He added the caption: "Phydeaux Speaks has threatened to have his kitty poop in my driveway." That was my first clue that I was on a hit list.
On Saturday, I was speaking at the annual convention of the Canine Dental Institute (sponsored by Milk-Bone) and a horde of SCRUBBING BUBBLE SPEWING DALEKS materialized, claiming they were only trying to apply whitener to my teeth. Not even bloggers paid any attention to this - as they were too verklempt over the two hour Occupancy of Dick Cheney, while Dubya underwent his “colonoscopy” - at Camp David.
After which, I found out that Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein had made this claim:
Did you know that Phydeaux's running mate is a cat? And that Phydeaux is a Communist? And a practitioner of the black art of dentistry? If he gets elected that cat will pee everywhere and Phydeaux will pull all our teeth until we give him all our money. It's sick I tell ya, just sick.
At this point, Phee Lign and I decided that it would be best if we, for the time being, didn't travel together anymore, reasoning that no matter what, one of us would survive to carry on the fight.
I had hoped that these events were merely happenstance, but it was then that I discovered that the "time travelling" Sleestak had said:
Phydeaux was recently exposed as having sold American secrets to foreign countries in order to finance his campaign and disgusting personal habits.
It was now clear to me that these three “worthy” opponents had, out of sheer terror, banded together to try and discredit my campaign. As we prepared to board the “Straight Bark Express” to head for my next appearance, we were attacked by three sleestak - perhaps clones of the candidate by the same name - and my speech writer was savagely mauled.
Did you hear about any of this? Of course not, because my opponents contrived to have Alberto Gonzales appear before Congress (again!) to not answer questions and pull all media attention away from these attacks.
And so, I have had to take this campaign underground - and have hired two new advisers. An attorney (from Samoa) and a specialist, who has many medicinal aids to help me relieve my stress.
Campaign Advisers Gonzo and Duke
Due to these attacks, Phee and I have been unable to complete our platform. And yet, it is more complete than any of my opponents have managed to show:
“Campaign 2008 - Phee/Phy or Ho/Hum?”