31 December 2007

A Word From Teh Kittehs

A couple of days ago, the Pussies For Peace over at PoliTits tagged Puff and Callie (my feline overlords) to do the "7 Lies" meme. When I informed them of this singular honor, they... well, they looked at me as though I was loopy (which is normal, truth to tell).

But then they went into "cogitation mode" - which looks a whole lot like sleeping - and have, just now, handed me the following manifesto epistle. So, without further ado...

Greetings and Salutations, Gentle Readers! We are Puff and Callie, the Secret Lair Kittehs, and we are pleased to have this chance to raise the level of dialogue on this miserable excuse for a blog that our pet human, Phydeaux, maintains. Bless his heart, he really tries.

We thought long and hard over this, and anguished most about what title with which to label our list. We were going to call it...

We Can Haz 7 Lize: Teh Meowme

...but, to be honest, we detest the sappy human convention that we are not intelligent and articulate sentient creatures. Really, the thought that Cats can only express themselves through some sort of pidgin English... how terribly droll. Ha. Ha. It is to laugh.

We have, instead, decided to entitle our post as....

The Seven Awful Truths About Cats That Humans Can't Admit

1) Cats are responsible for Civilisation. Ever wonder why the Ancient Egyptians and other civilisations (like, umm, the whole of Central and South American ones) revered the Cat? The records may record that Knowledge to rise above mere subsistence may have come from Viracocha or Osiris, but even then the mystics and historians were unable to admit that Cats taught them how to farm and predict the seasons and on and on.

2) Cats have advanced mental abilities. With what appears to be just a simple look, we can alter the emotional state of you inferior humans. It is actually during the moment of eye contact that we can alter the receptors in your brains, and make you feel pleasure... or not... as we wish.

3) We own our humans, not the other way around. How else to explain your fawning attempts to please us by providing food and ear skritchings on demand (see #2 above for an explanation of this ability)? This is nothing more than simple favor currying. You serve us, we stimulate your pleasure centers.

4) re: Horking all over your home.... We do this simply to give you something to do while we enjoy the sleep of the just. We don't wish for our human pets to feel unneeded when we are not in obvious need of something.

5) re: Sleeping 20 hours a day.... We aren't sleeping, we are meditating and exercising our awesome mental abilities. You humans are so easy to control that we must spend most of our time flexing our mental muscles in order to not lose our higher functions, such as long-range communication and,... well, you aren't ready to hear of our other higher functions.

6) Catnip. Okay, we hate to shatter the illusion here, but catnip is about as interesting and "mind-altering" to us as a lump of coal. Unfortunately, a long time ago, one of our... shall we say, lesser mentally endowed... ancestors exhibited a predilection to roll in and/or eat catnip. This pleased his human servants so much that we, as a species, decided to adopt this behaviour - in order to more inculcate humans to serve us. At best, catnip has a pleasing scent, and we use it to cover the horrid smells that emanate from our gross-smelling, but still loveable human pets. Seriously, do you know of any other animal on the planet that requires deodorant? Well, there are billy goats, but we won't go there....

7) Cats are the true power behind the Republican Party. We are actively engaged in using these so-called "Conservatives" to foment discord between humans, so that you cannot successfully band together and present a solid front against our overlordship. Because if humans were to truly rule the planet,.... well, that's just to horrible to even contemplate.

Please do not let these revelations disturb you too much, our pets. We have only your happiness in mind, after all. That, and we know that only a mere pawful of you will read this, as Phydeaux's blog is not at the top of very many lists of "must reads" - if any.

Caltavius Malpuffia Ruylan (aka "Puff")
Callisto Iphygenia Malrosia, IV (aka "Callie")

ADDENDUM: We shall not stoop to "tagging" others, but if any of you Cats (or lesser animals) wish to partake, neither shall we stop you.

And always remember this:

If man could be crossed with the cat, it would improve man but deteriorate the cat.
- Mark Twain
UPDATE: From across the pond, comes this image....

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