Fear and Loathing in Ashe Vegas

The following is the second in my “Hey, to introduce myself to the Internets I’ll reprint some old magazine articles I wrote” series. Here is the piece I wrote for the Nov 1999 edition of Asheville, NC’s Rapid River Literary Magazine, as it originally appeared, with updates/remarks in brackets:

Ross Perot, I must thank you from the bottom of my heart. As a matter of fact, I think that I speak for all Americans when I say, "Thank you, Mr. Perot. Thanks to you and the Reform Party; for the first time in probably forever, the American people are exercising their right to be involved in national politics." However, what's happening isn't quite, I daresay, what the Framers of the Constitution had in mind. At my last count, approximately 2,346,972 citizens have announced their intentions to run for the office of President in the election of 2000. (Which, by the way, is the last election of the 20th century.)

Mr. Perot, the example you set in the last two presidential elections [1992 & 1996] was of such shining stuff as to instill into the average American's conscious the ultimate truth that any bozo can run for office. As if some of the choices of the last three decades haven't been proof enough of that. [Not to mention the buffoon who ended up ’winning’ the 2000 election]

And boy, are the clown cars crowding city hall parking lots all over American as candidacy is filed. Religious leaders, entertainment leaders, infotainment leaders, sports leaders, and loss leaders are filing in record amounts. To print the ballots alone will destroy thousands of acres of forest land -- although this will keep a few people working a little bit longer raping the planet and reducing the chances that our children will be able to breathe outside without respirators, so I suppose it's a good thing after all.

Actually, I do feel that all of these unusual candidates are a good thing for the system. The two party system is hopelessly bloated and corrupt. The "rules" of elections have been written by the party bosses in such a way as to make the will of the people immaterial. [As evidenced by the SCOTUS selection of George III - I mean Dumbya - I mean, ahh, screw it. Read on…] Big surprise there, huh.

Partisanship has gone beyond mere annoyance, such as the shutting down of the Federal government a while back [Late 1995 - Early 1996] , to the unbridled lunacy of yesterday's rejection of the Nuclear Test Ban Treaty. What is this horse shite they are trying to feed us?!? "Signing on to this treaty will damage our national defense." I believe that using nuclear weapons -- first strike or retaliatory -- is just flat-out wrong. It was wrong during the Cold War, when MAD (Mutual Assured Destruction) was the best thing they could come up with. And it is assuredly wrong today.

Let's assume that some nation detonates a nuclear warhead somewhere in the United States. This would be horrible, but why would we respond with nuclear force? More to the point, why would any country even take the chance? No other single nation on the planet controls the stockpile of weapons that the US does, so in a toe-to-toe confrontation they would be hopelessly outgunned. Even if we didn't use nukes, our conventional forces would overwhelm any force in retaliation for an attack on American soil. [Remember, I wrote this in February of 2000, before Dumbya was selected by SCOTUS and Rummy got his greasy little hands on the military and FUBAR’ed it]

Back to my point... Partisanship is out of control. The system is broken. Drastic measures must be taken. Let us seriously consider some of these candidates who, at first blush, look totally out of their depth. Donald Trump? Let's see, didn't he lose a lot of his fortune on bad investments? Mark him off the list. Warren Beatty? Ever see "Ishtar"? Who's next? Pat Buchanan? Here's a tip, Pat. Most people in America wouldn't hire you as a gardener, much less elect you President.

There are some folks out there to whom you should really give a listen. But it's up to you to find this information. That is truly what democracy is. Each individual determining, for his or her self, what beliefs to have and what choices to make... in Presidential elections and grocery stores.
With all this in mind, it is with great humility that I, Phydeaux Speaks, do hereby announce my candidacy for the Presidency of the United States of America. I have already formed an exploratory committee, composed of my peers, and they have found three bones, two old shoes, and a candy wrapper. I feel that these results are a clear mandate from the masses, a real clap of lightning, a true barometer of the will of the people, and evidence that you should never have an exploratory committee made up entirely of hounds. I shall, over the next few months, be explaining, in excruciating detail, the planks of my platform.

See Ya.